So, your wife has confessed to you that she needs a spanking, but you don’t understand why, or how to go about giving it to her. This is not an unusual problem for “vanilla” (not into the spanking scene) husbands to face. It is the purpose of this article to give some explanations and advice to vanilla husbands in the form of answers to common questions on the subject. For those who wish to pursue these topics in greater detail, more thorough expositions can be found by going back to the Articles page.
1. The idea of spanking my wife seems crazy to me. Why should I do it? Because it will make her happy. Remember that it is very difficult for women to discuss their desires, even ordinary ones, so that if she has expressed to you a need for discipline, you can bet it runs deep (for more on why this is so, see below). The least you can do is demonstrate your commitment to her happiness by making a real attempt to satisfy her – it’s not all that difficult.
2. Why does she want me to spank her? Tough question – most likely she couldn’t tell you herself if she tried. Short answer: female sexuality is bound up, so to speak, with the idea of submission. For most women, this need to submit is expressed through normal sexual behavior, but under certain conditions in susceptible individuals, early childhood experiences with spanking (in some cases even simply seeing another child spanked is apparently enough) result in a developing personality that equates, on some level, sexual submission with being spanked. Once this occurs, there is no going back, and the fully adult personality still has this “childish” need to be made to submit to a spanking.
In most women, the need to be spanked exists alongside the normal desires rather than replacing them. From the practical standpoint, this means that you can and should use spanking as a kind of foreplay at least some of the time. The rest of the time she may wish to be disciplined for some shortcoming or misbehavior. The reasons for this are too lengthy to go into here. If your wife falls into this category, by all means proceed to administer “pure” discipline. There are some more hints for doing that below.
3. How can I find out more about exactly what she wants me to do? One of the great problems for men throughout the ages has been understanding what women want. This is so largely for two reasons: (1) women don’t necessarily want the same things men do; and (2) women are not very good at expressing their desires, partly because they are not always sure themselves what it is they want, but also because when it comes to sex they are easily embarrassed by discussing their needs. Do not give up hope, however; there are two good ways of getting more information:
(i) Sit down and talk to her (not, of course, when you’re actually about to do something; the time for talking is before you get down to the nitty-gritty of actually spanking her). You may have to grill her like a police detective to get any useful information out of her, but don’t resent having to put forth the effort. It’s just how women are and it must be accepted.
(ii) Read some spanking fiction written by women to get some idea of what they want in real life. Anything by Eve Howard will do for a start (see Shadow Lane on the links page). Even better, if your wife has read any spanking stories (and you can bet she has if she’s been surfing the web), make her point out passages that she finds particularly exciting. This will give you a general outline of the kind of spanking elements that she’s looking for.
4. O.K., I think I’m ready to give this a go. Now what? Two things: attitude and technique. First, on attitude (yours, not hers): remember that women want to submit to a strong man. This means that during the course of the spanking session, you must be confident and firm in your manner at all times. Specifically,
· Tell, don’t ask. Never ask her if she wants a spanking -- tell her she’s going to get spanked in a tone that leaves no room for doubt. You are the master now, and if she demonstrates any disrespect or resistance, don’t let her get away with it – punish her with more spanks, a harsher implement, a more disciplinary position – whatever it takes to make her respect your authority. Of course safe practices must be followed at all times (see below). It’s not so much a question of spanking hard physically (this is referred to as “heavy” play) as it is of an authoritative determination in your manner that will get to her. And she’ll love you for it.
· Accept no excuses. She may try to weasel her way out of her just punishment by making Clintonesque hair-splitting excuses (“it depends on what the meaning of the word ‘overdrawn’ is”), or by evasive rationalizations (“I didn’t have time to get it done”). Many men are understandably confused by this (“I thought she wanted me to spank her -- what’s going on here?”). Well, what’s going on is that she’s testing your resolve. Women tend to do that from time to time, even those who aren’t into spanking, especially the “brat” type of woman. What you need to remember is that she secretly wants you to meet the challenge, to stand up to her (this is true even outside the scene), and (back inside the scene) to give her the spanking she most definitely deserves.
Secondly, on technique: this is a very large subject, so we can only skim the surface here regarding positions, implements, etc. Basically, when just starting out, we recommend the classic over-the-knee (OTK) position using your hand, with a hairbrush and/or short-handled paddle kept within reach. Our reasoning is:
· The OTK position is the favorite of women into spanking, and even those who secretly crave lying down across a bed for the strap or having to bend over for the paddle or the cane will respond favorably to it. Also, it’s probably easier and more familiar to the man (you).
· The hand is readily available and easier to use than an implement. It makes sense when starting out to keep things simple. There’s always time to “branch out” (ouch!) later.
· If your hand starts getting tired, or to provide some variety (always a consideration with long spankings), use the hairbrush (but lightly – this can be a fearsome instrument) or the paddle. Because of the OTK position, a short-handled model would be best. Leather will most likely seem less frightening to her than wood, at least at first.
4. How do I know when she’s had enough? I’m worried about hurting her. Here at CSR we’re safety-first players, so we understand your concern and applaud it. With a little care and common sense, you won’t have to worry about really hurting her. First, make sure you have a safeword, which is simply an agreed-upon signal that indicates she’s having trouble and that you need to immediately stop what you’re doing. It’s something you don’t want to have to use, and under ordinary circumstances you won’t have to, but it is an essential guarantee of safe play. In practice, you can be guided by her reactions and appearance. Some squirming and pained exclamations are perfectly normal (and we would say perfectly desirable), but if her reactions take on a more desperate air, it’s time to wind things up. Also, pay attention to the condition of her bottom – redness and warmth are normal, but in general we believe that marking (contusions or welts) should be avoided. This last statement will not meet with universal agreement – marking is a somewhat controversial topic within the scene -- but we think it to be sound advice. We have more to say on this topic elsewhere.
6. Any other suggestions? Yes – try to have a good time. Even people who aren’t really into the scene can learn to enjoy administering a spanking. It’s an activity that can satisfy on more than one level.
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