Chicago Spanking Review
Who Started It?
By Doug S.
Chicago Spanking Review |
Who Started It?By Doug S. |
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Fiction Section |
A modern variation on the wordplay sketches of Burlesque. |
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Web-Ed's notes: Doug S. is a long-time CSR contributor and helper. Although he gave no specific instructions about it, this little playlet is written in the form of a television sketch and I have separated and italicized his stage directions accordingly. Older readers will be reminded of the famous Abbott and Costello routine Who's on First? which dates from 1938 although its roots go even further back into the days of Burlesque (from which the Abbott and Costello team emerged) and its use of word-play sketches. Interested readers should dig up the film The Naughty Nineties to see the team perform it. Classic though it was, it didn't have any females getting paddled, a deficiency which Doug has cleverly remedied here. We hope you enjoy it! © Doug S. all rights reserved. Copy-edited by Web-Ed (mainly separating out stage directions and forcing carriage returns). This story is intended for mature adults and is not suitable for children. |
"PRINCIPAL: That's what I'm asking! Who was the first girl?WHO STARTED IT? A new female principal has started at an all-girls school. She has only been on the job two days and already she has three girls that have been turned in for discipline. She has read the report document turned in by the girls' teacher and finds it confusing. So, she has asked the teacher to report, before disciplining the girls, so that she can clarify the report. PRINCIPAL: I've been looking at this report and am very confused by it. The school board likes us to keep accurate records of the students that we discipline, so I need to ask some questions about these three girls. You didn't put their names down. It reads like a riddle. TEACHER: Their names are there. It's just that the girls have unusual names. They are Asian. PRINCIPAL: I don't see them. Now, you say here that one girl put gum in the hair of another girl. And the other girl then pulled the chair out from under the first girl when she tried to sit down. TEACHER: Yes, that's correct. PRINCIPAL: And then a third girl was caught putting slugs in the vending machines. TEACHER: Yes. PRINCIPAL: Who was the girl who put gum in the other's hair? TEACHER: Yes. PRINCIPAL: I need her name. TEACHER: Who. PRINCIPAL: The girl that put the gum in the other's hair. TEACHER: Who. PRINCIPAL: What's the name of the first girl? TEACHER: No, What is the second girl. Who is the first girl. PRINCIPAL: I don't know! That's what I'm asking! Who's the first girl? TEACHER: That's right. PRINCIPAL: Oh boy! The girl that pulled out the chair. Who did it? TEACHER: No, What. PRINCIPAL: I need the girl's name that pulled the chair out from under the other. Their crimes are different in severity and have to be dealt with differently. What's her name? TEACHER: Yes. PRINCIPAL: Now, I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but, I'm getting tired of it! Tell me who pulled the chair out from under the other girl! TEACHER: I can't. It was what. PRINCIPAL: That's what I'm asking! Who was the first girl? TEACHER: Yes. PRINCIPAL: The first girl is who? TEACHER: Yes. PRINCIPAL: Who was the second girl? TEACHER: What. PRINCIPAL: The second girl, what's her name?! TEACHER: That's correct. The principal shakes her head. PRINCIPAL: Do you have a hearing problem? TEACHER: No, I can hear just fine. PRINCIPAL: Ok, well, who was the third girl? The one that put the slugs in the machines. TEACHER: No, who was the first girl that put the gum in the hair. PRINCIPAL: I'm asking about the third girl! Which girl put the slugs in machines? TEACHER: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: You didn't get her name? TEACHER: Yes. It's on the form. PRINCIPAL: I don't see it. What's her name? TEACHER: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: Tell me the name of the girl that put the slugs in the machines! TEACHER: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: I thought you said that you got her name. TEACHER: I did. PRINCIPAL: Then tell me her name! TEACHER: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: NOW, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! GIVE ME THE NAMES OF THESE GIRLS! People in the outer office peek in. TEACHER: My, that's a fine way for a school principal to act. How do you expect to teach these girls to be proper ladies if you go around ranting and raving. There's nothing to get that upset about. PRINCIPAL: I'M NOT UPSET! I JUST WANT THE NAMES OF THESE THREE GIRLS! TEACHER: Now, calm down. Let me bring the girls to you. You can ask them their names. PRINCIPAL: Perhaps that would be better. The teacher leaves. Later, she comes back with three Asian girls. PRINCIPAL: Fine. Girls, sit down. Now, I'm going to have to paddle all three of you for the things you have done, but the punishment has to fit the crime. I need your names for our records. She goes to the first girl. PRINCIPAL: Now, what is your name? FIRST GIRL: No, who. PRINCIPAL: You. What is your name? FIRST GIRL: Who. PRINCIPAL: I'm getting tired of this. Now, tell me your name. FIRST GIRL: I am who. PRINCIPAL: How am I to know that?! That's what I'm trying to find out! Ok, which one of you put the slugs in the machines? FIRST GIRL: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: You don't know?! Which shenanigan did you commit? TEACHER: She's the one that put the gum in the second girl's hair. PRINCIPAL: And which one pulled the chair out? FIRST GIRL: What. PRINCIPAL: I said, which girl is guilty of pulling the chair out? FIRST GIRL: It was what. She pulled the chair out from under me. TEACHER: The second girl. The principal points at the second girl. PRINCIPAL: Her? TEACHER: Yes. The principal goes to the third girl. PRINCIPAL: And which girl is this? TEACHER: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: Then why is she here? TEACHER: To be punished for putting slugs in the vending machines in the cafeteria. The principal turns to the third girl. PRINCIPAL: That is vandalism. What is your name? THIRD GIRL: No, I don't know. PRINCIPAL: That's ridiculous! You certainly do know your name! Now tell me your name! THIRD GIRL: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: You have parents, right? THIRD GIRL: Yes. PRINCIPAL: What name did they have put on your birth certificate? THIRD GIRL: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: I'm confused. All three of you girls, in my office. She closes the door to her office, goes to her desk and pulls a paddle from a desk drawer. PRINCIPAL: All three of you, bend over my desk. The girls bend over in a row. The principal starts with the first girl. PRINCIPAL: Your punishment for the gum incident will be two swats. If this nonsense about your names doesn't stop, I may have to add on a few more. Now tell me your name. FIRST GIRL: Who. PRINCIPAL: You! Who else would I mean! WHACK! WHACK! PRINCIPAL: Now, tell me your name. FIRST GIRL: Who. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! The principal goes to the second girl. PRINCIPAL: You're the one that pulled the chair out from under one of the other girls, right? SECOND GIRL: Yes. PRINCIPAL: That is dangerous. You could have hurt her. SECOND GIRL: She started it. PRINCIPAL: Who? SECOND GIRL: Yes. PRINCIPAL: Who? SECOND GIRL: Yes. PRINCIPAL: Who started it? SECOND GIRL: Yes. PRINCIPAL: I'm confused. Tell me who started this whole incident. SECOND GIRL: I just did. PRINCIPAL: Who? SECOND GIRL: Yes. PRINCIPAL: It doesn't matter who started it. I'm going to give you four. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! PRINCIPAL: Now, then, tell me your name. SECOND GIRL: What. PRINCIPAL: You heard me. Tell me your name. SECOND GIRL: What. PRINCIPAL: Now, this nonsense is going to stop! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! She goes to the third girl. PRINCIPAL: For the slugs in the vending machines, you get four. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! PRINCIPAL: Now, what is your name? THIRD GIRL: I don't know. PRINCIPAL: You do know! Now, tell me your name! THIRD GIRL: I don't know. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! PRINCIPAL: What is your name?! THIRD GIRL: I don't know! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! PRINCIPAL: THIS IS NONSENSE! She goes back to the first girl. PRINCIPAL: AND YOUR NAME IS WHO? FIRST GIRL: Yes. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! She goes to the second girl. PRINCIPAL: AND YOU PULLED THE CHAIR OUT FROM WHO? SECOND GIRL: Yes. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! PRINCIPAL: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE, NOW! ALL THREE OF YOU, GET OUT! The girls leave and the teacher enters. TEACHER: My word, you are completely out of control. You must settle down. The principal slams the paddle back into the drawer and sits down. PRINCIPAL: I AM NOT OUT OF CONTROL! She picks up a pen and the document. PRINCIPAL: Now, give me your name for this report! You didn't put it on here! TEACHER: Yes, I did. PRINCIPAL: Well, tell me your name. TEACHER: Tomorrow. PRINCIPAL: Tomorrow? Why can't you tell me now? TEACHER: I am. PRINCIPAL: Then tell me your name! TEACHER: Tomorrow. PRINCIPAL: NO, YOU TELL ME TODAY! NOT TOMORROW, TODAY! RIGHT NOW! TODAY! A woman from the outer office sticks her head around the corner. WOMAN: Yes? PRINCIPAL: Who are you? WOMAN: Today. PRINCIPAL: NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER! NOOOOOO! EVERYBODY GET OUT! NOW! TEACHER: Well, I see there is only one way to handle this. She enters the office and closes the door. She grabs the principal by the hand, sits in the principal's chair and pulls her across her knee. THE END □ |
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