Hi I discovered your page quite by accident and I want to thank you. It has been so so helpful. In your articles page, you give advice to vanilla husbands who may not be really into the scene. I have printed this off and shown it to my husband of 16 years, who incidentally, was into spanking when we met. Over the years, a lot of issues have developed between us and I am very aware that I undermined his sense of himself many times, to the extent that he was almost disempowered alltogether. I have tried so hard to bring this back and since reading your article, he has started to spank me as part of foreplay etc. However, what I really crave is the big strong man who will stand up to me, who will know not to take any nonsense, and I really desire a discipline spanking as I would be the first to admit I am a total bitch. However, all he does in these situations is get mad back at me, and I end up giving in, or maybe crying when I really want him to say "enough is enough girl, I am taking you over my knee". I have pointed out several instances in the past where I expected him to take this course of action, albeit lovingly, but all to no avail. Do I just give up on the whole idea completely? The frustrating thing about it for me is that I know he is quite capable of it but he almost seems reluctant to embark on it because he knows I would enjoy it and maybe keep repeating the bad behaviour so that it would have the same end result. I am just getting so frustrated and so angry that he know what I want, has done it in the past, but refuses to take it up again. any thoughts, remedies etc would be appreciated -- C. S.

I’m very happy to know that my site has been helpful to you, particularly the article for vanilla husbands. It’s interesting that your husband spanked you early in your relationship, and then backed off from this obviously necessary part of your relationship as time went on. Since he now spanks you as part of foreplay, it may be that he understands this kind of spanking but does not comprehend your need for genuine discipline. This is an all-too-common situation, based on what I hear from women, although most of the time, their men won’t even spank them as part of making love. I understand your frustration at not receiving the discipline you crave, and I would not suggest giving up because we should never accept frustration and unhappiness as an inevitable part of our lives. I feel we should work to satisfy our legitimate desires in life so we can be as happy and fulfilled as possible. Although I am handicapped by not knowing your husband’s thoughts, here are some suggestions you might try:

· You have pointed out to him several instances where you needed this kind of discipline, which is very good. I would try this again, and this time ask him point-blank why he didn’t take you in hand instead of just getting angry with you. Explain that when the two of you fight, it hurts you much more than a spanking would, and that in fact getting spanked would be very beneficial to you.

· Explain that a disciplinary spanking is different than an erotic one. Tell him that you need him to be firm with you, and that a disciplinary spanking must hurt enough to be seen (and felt) as discipline by you. If he spanks you supposedly for discipline but not hard enough that you really believe it, tell him he must use a hairbrush or small paddle (if you don’t have these implements, then get one), and that he shouldn’t stop until your bottom turns deep red and he is satisfied that you’ve learned your lesson. Make sure he understands that he is in charge of the spanking, not you, and he must act like it.

· Emphasize that being disciplined will do you a lot of good. Not only will you feel better afterwards, you will have more confidence in him and in your relationship, and your behavior will be improved, at least for a while.

· As you say, he may doubt the efficacy of a spanking because you would enjoy it. Interestingly, I have had this concern expressed to me in the past not by men, but by women who wanted to come to me for their first spanking. The answer is that a spanking which goes on long enough will be effective discipline even if the woman does enjoy it on some level. Physically, your bottom will get sore, making each swat more effective psychologically as the spanking goes on. For long disciplinary sessions, I allow the woman one or more short rest periods. This allows her to take more than she otherwise could (200 or more paddle-swats is quite possible, of course not full-force, as I mentioned in one of my articles). To put it another way, there is a point at which the spanking becomes disciplinary in nature by its length and (relative) severity (compared to some erotic spankings, which are often light, playful, and interspersed with stroking, etc).

· If he’s at all the old-fashioned, conservative, or military type, try appealing to his sense of manly honor and duty. Tell him that disciplining his wife when she needs it is part of the good husband’s job.

· Finally, if all else fails, consider seeking out the services of a disciplinarian. This is a man with whom you build a disciplinary but non-sexual relationship. A surprising number of women have done this with good results. I hesitate to recommend this in your case, because it is preferable to be disciplined by your husband and he seems tantalizingly close to being able to provide this for you, whereas many women with vanilla men can’t get them even to administer a playful spanking, but it should be considered as a last resort as it is still preferable to being frustrated and unhappy. If you choose to go this route, safety should be your primary concern. A male friend whom you already know and trust would be ideal, although I quite understand how difficult it is for a woman to bring up the subject of spanking. In all my years in this business, I can only think of one or two cases where I knew a woman who had the nerve to ask one of her male friends to spank her. You could also probably find a man in your community who provides this service just as I and others me do in the Chicago area. Again, please be careful if you go this route, taking all the usual precautions for meeting a stranger.

I’d be interested in hearing how these suggestions work out for you, so please let me know.

Good luck,

Web-Ed