frustrated

[samantha]

I am kind of new to this and hopefully I am not putting my topic in the wrong place. So, deep breath, because just posting on a semi-anonymous site about spanking makes me anxious.
I'm a wife and mother. I love my husband, though I guess he's vanilla (?) and I guess I am not. I've been interested in spanking since I was young, but it got put on hiatus for a long time for a number of reasons too long to get into. Over the last year, I was finally able to tell him about my interests and he's obliged, but he won't spank hard enough or long enough--it barely hurts. He says he can't hurt me and won't. I have to respect his limits as he has respected mine in other areas. Still, I am left incredibly frustrated and wishing more than anything for him to truly offer what I think most people would call a punishment spanking (?). Then I wonder too, well, maybe if I got that, I would realize it was too much. And so, now what do I do? Surely other people have been through this. I am feeling kind of obsessed with the need to be spanked, ashamed of myself (always been kind of a "good girl" and this does NOT fit) and in a loving marriage where my partner can't meet this need/desire. Help!
Any other women facing this? I am open to responses from all genders though.

[web-ed]

Welcome, Samantha! I'm glad to see you wasted no time in posting once I activated your membership yesterday, and your comments are most welcome also. I hope that some of the women here will share their own experiences with you.

First, I can tell you that you are most definitely not alone! Many, many other women have found themselves in the exact same position you are in now. I know, because I have read some of their accounts and because they have told me so first-hand when they came to me for an in-person spanking session. Usually the husband either won't try to spank her or, like yours, he tries but can't seem to do it with enough authority. So yes, he is vanilla and you most definitely are not.

Here are some of my suggestions you might try to relieve your frustration:

1. Continue to work on your husband. You might consider showing him an article I wrote way back in 2004, Basic Pointers for Husbands Who Aren't Sure How to Spank Their Wives. (Actually, I see I should rewrite and re-code this article - something else to do!). You also might ask him to use a hairbrush or small paddle on you - these implements sting more than the inexperienced spanker imagines, so it could work out although he might back off once he sees you're beginning to feel it. Getting spanked by your husband would be ideal, which is why it's worth another try, but you may have to consider getting spanked outside your marriage, which is o.k. because it's not like you would be doing something wrong.
2. One way of doing this is to confess your need to a male friend you can really trust. Because it is so hard for most women to confess their secret spanking desires, this outlet is chosen infrequently, but it does work sometimes. I recall one report of a male friend who turned out to be a very good spanker even though he wasn't really into the spanking scene. This is probably the second-best approach because it is completely safe.
3. Seek out someone in the scene to spank you. If you live in a populous area, there will definitely be a man there willing to do this. But you must be very careful because of course there are a lot of freaks and weirdos out there, not to mention a few vanilla men who are looking for sex and just pretend to share a woman's particular kink in order to get to her. There are a number of places that run ads for spanking personals (I don't do it here because I'm afraid of the potential liability). If you go this route, consider an older man because you're less likely to run into problems with him seeking sex instead of just spanking. Be sure to follow appropriate safety precautions also.
4. Attending a spanking party is another possibility, but obviously a tricky one unless you live in a city (like Chicago) in which such parties take place. The principal advantage is safety as the men are usually pre-screened .

[samantha]

So, I am working on my husband, who in the words of Dan Savage, wants to be good, giving and game, but reality is, he just can't seem to do what I need.
I could say I don't know what to do, but I think I do know, I just don't like my options.
Web-ed, can I ask you, the women who have come to you for a spanking session, do they do so with the consent of their significant other? Or is it kind of on the side? My husband would never approve, so if I sought someone out, it would be sort of like cheating. He'd see it that way. Plus, I am worried I'll chicken out. I am super shy, I don't even talk to men in general very easily. I've been with one guy my whole life. My husband is the only guy I've ever kissed. This is so out of the norm for me. I teach kindergarten and bake banana bread. I don't go to strange men and ask them to spank me.
Can someone explain to me the "why" behind this need? Why do I want this so badly? What do male spankers get out of it? Is it always a sexual thing? I know there is a sexual connection for me, but it isn't always. Sometimes I think I would prefer a spanking to sex or at least a spanking would give me what I need to truly relax and melt into sex.
Thanks,
Sammy

[web-ed]

Web-ed, can I ask you, the women who have come to you for a spanking session, do they do so with the consent of their significant other? Or is it kind of on the side? My husband would never approve, so if I sought someone out, it would be sort of like cheating... Plus, I am worried I'll chicken out. I am super shy, I don't even talk to men in general very easily. I've been with one guy my whole life. My husband is the only guy I've ever kissed. This is so out of the norm for me. I teach kindergarten and bake banana bread. I don't go to strange men and ask them to spank me.

O.K., let's tackle these issues one at a time:

1. If the woman is married, sometimes the husband knows, but more often he doesn't. It isn't cheating because there's no sex involved, only spanking. It's a little like consulting a doctor or a lawyer without your husband's knowledge - you may feel guilty, but it's better than letting it become the subject of an argument.
2. Chickening out is a real problem - I've seen it happen many times, and it always bothers me because I know the woman is terribly frustrated and without a spanking, her problems aren't going to get any better. I understand that you're very shy, and that the idea of going to a strange man to get spanked can seem impossibly daunting, but I also know that you are suffering terribly and the only way you're going to get any relief is to get yourself spanked. Remember that many other women have done this, and there's no reason you can't also provided you go about it sensibly. Find the right man, take the time to become comfortable with him and be sure he's safe, and then go for it! Yes, those last few hours before the first spanking will be tough, but it's worth it.

Can someone explain to me the "why" behind this need? Why do I want this so badly? What do male spankers get out of it? Is it always a sexual thing? I know there is a sexual connection for me, but it isn't always. Sometimes I think I would prefer a spanking to sex or at least a spanking would give me what I need to truly relax and melt into sex.

In the eight years I've been doing CSR, I've brought a lot of spanking material to light for the benefit of my readers, but I have had one great failure: I haven't written an article explaining the "Whys" of spanking even though I know the answers to these questions (and more) because I simply haven't been able to squeeze it into my production schedule. Let me try to very partially remedy this by giving you the short version of some of the answers you seek:

• "Why do I want this so badly?" - There is actually a whole complex of related reasons why women want to be spanked. Let's concentrate here just on the erotic aspect. It's important to remember that normal sexual psychology is based on dominance and submission, with the male being dominant and the female submissive. It is my firm conviction that early childhood experiences, broadly understood, resulted in M/F spanking becoming seen as a mode of M/F sexual domination among certain individuals. These individuals grew up to become the spankos we are today: dominant man spanking submissive women. (I'm not going to get into here the questions of other orientations such as F/M, although I have the answers to them as well, because we simply don't have the time and it would distract from the essential points you need to understand.)
  
  The psychological need to dominate (male) or submit (female) is primitive, springing from the time before we were fully human, but for that very reason is extremely powerful as you have discovered.
• "What do male spankers get out of it?" - I certainly know the answer to that one backward and forward, but I'm not going to get into it here, partly because we don't have the time but mainly because you can't afford to worry about that just now. You need to concentrate on understanding your own needs and how to satisfy them.
• "Is it always a sexual thing? I know there is a sexual connection for me, but it isn't always. Sometimes I think I would prefer a spanking to sex or at least a spanking would give me what I need to truly relax and melt into sex." - No, it isn't always a sexual thing. Human beings are extremely complicated, and there are ways in which spanking can be very satisfying without being necessarily erotic. Remember that eroticism is dependent on context so that, for example, a purely disciplinary spanking might not seem very erotic at all. Of course, when a spanking session takes place between a couple who are already sexually involved with each other, an erotic dimension is always possible even if the original intention had been disciplinary or just for fun. Such spankings may very well lead to sex. How turned on a woman will be while being spanked by a man she's not involved with is impossible to say in advance and varies greatly depending upon the individual and the circumstances.
  
  I wish we had time to cover all the non-erotic ways in which spanking can be a satisfying experience for both parties, but I'll only mention that many women experience stress relief and a general feeling of well-being, which may be largely due to other, deeper emotional needs having been met after a long period of frustration.