Chicago Spanking Review

Novelty Paddles

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Those of us spankos who grew up in the 50s, 60s, or 70s may remember the thrill of discovering what are now called "novelty paddles". These were wooden paddles that featured "words of wisdom" with the "wisdom" being somewhat dubious, and sometimes entire long verses explaining what they were for (no one in those days thought to cut it down to the pithy "Swat butt, dude!") and that were sold throughout the country mainly in souvenir shops. Now that I think about it, that seems a bit odd, too - why travel across the country to Niagra Falls or Silver Springs to purchase a paddle you should just as easily have been able to get near home? But perhaps that's true of most kinds of souvenirs.

It was very exciting to see these paddles with their usually explicit mentions of spanking - such things really existed, and might actually be applied to the rear ends of real live girls! It was something like attending your first school where students got paddled.

A comparatively tame (and recent) version of the novelty paddle is this one at left, apparently intended as some sort of birthday present. No doubt it could be fun at parties, as someone is sure to suggest using it on the birthday girl for real. Of course the spankee should be positioned better than the one in the drawing, and the drawing itself seems only to be on paper glued to the paddle instead of painted directly to the wood.

Below is what I'll call the "base version" of a paddle that went through many incarnations. It is fondly remembered by both myself and CSR Resident Artist Hugob00m, and probably a lot of other middle-aged to elderly spankos.

"Fanny Paddle" - there it was, in black & white, leaving no doubt as to which portion of the female anatomy it was to be applied, which made it highly suggestive to young minds. Similarly evocative were lines like "For nice young brides who burn the toast" and "For little girls who break their date[s]". The maker also made it seem like he wanted the buyer to spank with it: "PUT ME TO WORK!"

Next let's look at three variations on this all-time classic.

The fanny paddle, version 2.

It's still a fanny paddle "for all occasions" but someone completely rewrote the verse. It will be noticed that whoever that someone was, it wasn't William Shakespeare, but he gets the general point across. There is a strange warning that seems entirely out of character - "Use at your own risk" which is what you typically see at a public pool. Was this an early instance of over-cautious lawyers throwing a wet blanket on everyone's fun? It's a little hard to imagine a spankee suing the manufacturer of this paddle, but stranger things have happened. We'd sure like to have been on the jury hearing the case!

The fanny paddle, version 3 (click to increase in size).

Version 3: It's now a "Fanny Whacker" instead of a "Fanny Paddle" but a verse is still written on it, somewhat different from versions 1 and 2. Two references to the bare bottom make it seem a little more risqué: "And bottoms bare" and "Use briskly until object is blushing pink". I wonder what "object" they could be talking about?

The fanny paddle, version 4 (click to increase in size).

Version 4: Yet another verse adorns this one, the most interesting lines being "For taming brides" and "For counting right on a birthday date" which is accompanied by a drawing of a woman bending over and holding her ankles while counting "One two three...etc.

Not great artwork, but you can't deny it helps describe an ideal birthday date with the birthday girl assuming the position to take her birthday swats - ouch! And someone gets to count the swats, too!

Similar to all the above "Fanny Paddles" was the "Board of Education," a rather dim homophonic pun on American school boards (a group of officials responsible for running the public schools of a given district, for the benefit of CSR readers who don't reside in the U.S.). The alternate meaning of "board" is of course a plank of wood, although technically full board thickness is 3/4 of an inch, too thick for a proper paddle. (These novelty paddles were typically about 5/16", which is a practical thickness, whereas actual school paddles were normally 1/2" just like fraternity/sorority paddles.) Some school paddles were also referred to as "The board of education" by the students.

Four examples are shown below. The last two of these look as if they could be used in practice; most novelty paddles have handles that are too short and too wide to be gripped comfortably, and in addition have sharp edges that are very uncomfortable in the hand (I know this from actually using some of them).

"Boards" of Education.

01/2020 update: A later variation.

01/2020 update: Another variation, this one definitely from Hugob00m..

Variation of the "Board of Education".

"Board of Correction". The most interesting thing here is the declaration that it "May be used on any child from 5 to 75". We certainly are reluctant to excuse any woman under the age of 75 from getting paddled.

Bad verse on this one.

"The heck with psychology!" Quite understandible sentiments as female brats sometimes do just need a good paddling. The spankee is pictured literally over a barrel, and indeed the figuratve phrase "over a barrel" does have its origins in corporal punishment, although we believe the spankee was bent over the barrel from the top with hands and feet on opposite sides of the bottom.

"For the cute little deer with the bear behind" - more homonymic word play. It's evocative in suggesting that the paddle will be applied to the bare bottom.

"Mom's Helping Hand". We remember seeing "Dad's Helping Hand" also in some souvenir stores.

"The Secretary Activator" - with this one we're back to the wonderful world of secretary spanking! It reminds us of The Secretary Swatter. You have to wonder how widely distributed these things were, or if they were ever actually used in the office. We can certainly picture them being employed at the end of the day ("The way you've been slacking off lately, Miss Prentiss, I'm afraid you'll have to report back here at 5:00 P.M., for your appointment with The Secretary Activator.")

Another one that really excited us when we saw it in the souvenir shop. "Heat for the Seat" is wonderfully suggestive, especially with the red lettering on the words "Heat" and "Seat" and the red flames everywhere, of the paddle's stinging effect on the buttocks and their resultant rosy red coloring. We were never quite the same after seeing this one, and a young paddler was born.

(Click to double-size) This one's a little strange: "Education in a board way" is not a pun or any kind of play on words as "Board of Education" is, so it's probably just as well whoever wrote this one didn't attempt any verse. And why is a dog overlooking the scene? The look of alarm on the grown woman's face on the right side of the paddle is interesting - is that from seeing the kid (left) getting paddled, or because she knows her turn is next? Lacking any personal bias, I have decided that it's the latter, and added some appropriate dialogue for her that the paddle-makers accidentally left off (see below).

Three rather odd novelty paddles are seen above. The first of these was produced for Jelco Ward Bus Sales in Wisconsin! One has to wonder to whom they were presented (good salespeople?) or applied (bad salespeople?) There was a real estate broker who paddled low-performing sales agents with a "For Sale" sign - apparently he didn't think about having a custom paddle made like Jelco Ward did - but he got hit a few years ago with an expensive lawsuit by a female agent who was paddled. Sexual harassment suits have really taken a lot of fun out of the workplace.

Second is "The Persuader" which seems to be of the same general cast as the classic paddles above, but without their humor or painted illustrations.

I believe "The Bottom Whopper," which I found on E-Bay, is the British answer to the American fanny paddles. This one was reportedly used on a boy in the 60s and broke. It was offered as part of the sale of his mother's estate. What I like best about this one is that it is specified for use on "nagging wives," one of whom is depicted in the OTK position - always exciting even if bending-over is better for paddles of this length or longer.

As a reminder, the advantage of requiring the spankee to assume a fairly wide stance when bending over is that "clenching" is prevented even with very little bending due to the abduction of the hips, and with more bending comes let us say more humiliation. The high heels only improve matters further.

The Texas Tail Blazer, for wild horses and stubborn women (or maybe it's the other way around) - lay it on, padnuh!

The Attitude Adjuster - surly brats beware! (Web-Ed's personal collection)

The Fanny Whacker.

Our last three examples begin with "The Texas Tail Blazer" which may have been one of the later novelty paddles. I remember very well seeing it probably in the late 70s at a Horne's restaurant and shop. (Horne's was a very successful chain that became very profitable as the popularity of long distance motoring increased in the U.S. (say 50s through the 70s. I suppose they declined along with Howard Johnson's as large truck stops and commercial strips began to locate near interstate highway interchanges). I don't believe it was as widely distributed as the earlier novelty paddles, and I hadn't seen another one until I began searching for the purposes of this article.

The Attitude Adjuster is something like The Persuader above - a novelty paddle but of a more serious character, with no silly verses or primitive paintings on it. "Attitude Adjuster" suggests a seriousness of purpose, and at 3/8" it was thicker than most of the other paddles we have seen here. I actually purchased the one pictured above in 1999 from a shop where it had been on display for many years. Perhaps times had changed even by then, for the small supply didn't sell very quickly, and when it finally did that particular retailer never did stock any more novelty paddles, nor did I ask her about them although it did occur to me to do so as an opening gambit to find out if she might be interested in helping me test one out. There was one brat I knew around that time who did receive this paddle on her bare behind on a semi-regular basis, but the sharp edges on the handle made it difficult to use as I mentioned above.

I think it would have been cruel to show all these paddles and even mention them being used without actually presenting a photo of one being applied to a deserving rear end. The Fanny Whacker appears to be a home-made novelty paddle based on the standard fraternity/sorority model (22" x 3 1/2" x 1/2" thick). Minimum dosage is 30 swats, a prescription with which Dr. Web-Ed heartily agrees!

And that's about it for novelty paddles. There may have been a few other types produced, and if we find them we'll add to this page, but we've surely covered the essentials. Sadly, we don't think novelty paddles are going to make a reappearance anytime soon - political correctness has made that virtually impossible. Of course you can always do as the owner of the "Fanny Whacker" did and make your own for that special someone in your life. Perhaps it's time for another "How to" article as I haven't made a custom paddle in many years now...