With the exception of same-sex erotic scenes, which we touched upon only briefly in Chapter 6, we have now completely explained the psychology of adult spanking. In particular, we have shown how some people learn to like spanking (Learned Spankos), while people who were already fantasizing about spanking during childhood got that way through an experience we termed the Transformative Event (Natural Spankos). As fascinating as this theory will be to some people, others are no doubt more concerned with the practical problems spankos often encounter. Let us consider some of these problems in light of what we have learned about spanking psychology and see if we can offer some help and advice.
I. Finding a Spanking Partner
Female psychology being what it is, if the subject of spanking somehow comes up (of course you can try purposefully bringing it up if you're not afraid of "outing" yourself as a spanko), a woman who has thought about it a good deal may be unable to suppress a nervous giggle or remark (it's difficult for women to hide emotions that come upon them suddenly and unexpectedly). In the reverse case, a man who wants to spank might show a little heightened interest if the conversation turns to spanking. But to be honest, nothing in our theory will allow you to look over a group of people and say, "That one over there is into spanking." It would certainly be nice if there were something that allowed quick identification of potential partners! Still, TE Theory can help the spanko with a number of practical questions relating to finding a spanking partner:
- How do I express my spanking desires to my spouse or significant other?
- What do I do if I can't get my spouse interested in spanking even after I've tried everything?
- I'm a switch but my partner only wants to play on one side - now what do I do?
- I just can't find anyone to play with - should I give up on spanking?
Let's take them on one at a time: (1) How do I express my spanking desires to my spouse or significant other? This is a rather broad question, and for the most part I'm simply going to refer the questioner to the articles others have written on the subject, e.g. How to Get a Spanking. But there is one case in which our theory may prove useful, and that is where a partner (especially a male partner) doesn't want to spank because he thinks it's "weird". (Although this seems inconceivable to most of us spanko men, the truth is there are a lot of our fellow males out there who really think that way, and there are a lot of frustrated spanko women who can attest to that fact.) Explain to your partner that spanking is simply another way to express their (male) dominant or (female) submissive desires (see in particular chapters 1 - 3 of this work). Erotic spanking is actually not at all far from the beaten path (i.e. normal sexual intercourse); in other words, spanking is one of the more "normal" paraphilias out there. Try explaining this to your partner - it might make him or her see spanking in a different light. If it doesn't work, see #2 directly below.
(2) What do I do if I can't get my spouse interested in spanking even after I've tried everything? You've got two choices: give up on spanking or go outside the marriage/relationship. This much is obvious without any fancy theory of mine. Where the theory comes in is this: back in Chapter 2: Born or Made? we showed that for Natural Spankos, spanking became tied in to proto-sexual feelings very early in life, and because of the way the mind is built up in "layers," this could not be undone without destroying the entire personality. In other words, once a Natural Spanko, always a Natural Spanko - there's no going back and no escape for any of us. Therefore, if you give up on spanking, you condemn yourself to frustration and the unhappiness that invariably results.
This unknown cartoonist was on the right track, but didn't quite get TE theory correct - the happy spankee in the second panel was more likely spanked as a girl by a strong masculine figure than by an elderly nun.
That leaves us with going outside the relationship. This must be done circumspectly to avoid damaging it. (We are assuming for this discussion that the relationship, outside of not having any spanking, is a good one). It must also be done with due caution for personal safety (women), and again, the reader is referred to other sources for more information on this concern. It should be obvious that this outside spanking relationship must be non-sexual, since a sexual involvement can be expected to damage the primary relationship.
Be advised, however, that if this outside spanking is discovered by your partner, he may make a lot of trouble over it. I therefore advise not letting your partner know about your extracurricular spanking activities, even though in general honesty is certainly the best policy in a relationship. Just as you would not tell your wife that a particular outfit makes her look fat, so you should not tell your husband that you're getting your fanny paddled by the guy next door.
One hint for women: a close and trusted male friend may be the best choice for a spanking partner if you can work up the nerve to admit you need to be spanked (something that women have a great deal of trouble with). For men (Tops), the problem is worse, because it is far easier to get a non-Natural Spanko interested in giving spankings than in receiving them. Female friends are not likely to be willing to bend over for six of the best with the cane, especially on the bare!
(3) I'm a switch but my partner only wants to play on one side - now what do I do? This is of course almost identical to #2 above, thus my answer is basically the same: go outside the relationship. One difference: in #2, the frustrated partner could equally well be male or female; this time the frustrated one is probably male (since female switches are rare, as we established back in Chapter 5. In other words, where this situation occurs it is usually Natural Spanko male Switch married to Learned Spanko female Sub. I would also stress not letting your spouse know what you're up to (again, this is a non-sexual spanking relationship); if anything, that advice is more urgent in this case than in #2 for reasons I will elaborate on below in "Resolving Internal Conflicts". It is also somewhat perilous to seek out a sympathetic female friend, although this certainly could work, because it's almost as difficult for male Subs as Female Subs to admit to this particular need, and somewhat more hazardous in a sense that again I will explain below. That pretty much leaves seeking out a pro dominatrix, and that would be my advice.
For the other possible orientations, such as female Switch married to male Top, my advice remains the same: find someone outside the relationship to give/receive spankings.
(4) I just can't find anyone to play with - should I give up on spanking? No - as stated before, for the Natural Spanko the need is too deep to ignore, and doing so will lead to frustration and unhappiness. Go to a spanking party or answer some spanking ads of nearby spankos (exercising due caution, of course), although the first of these will be difficult if you're in a committed relationship and the second will be difficult if you live in a sparsely-populated region. I hear occasionally from women in such regions and try to figure out a way to visit them on a regularly-scheduled vacation trip, but it's not easy to work out the details as you may imagine.
II. The Special Problems of F/M Spanking
We ran into this briefly in our preceding discussion on the problems of finding a spanking partner. The F/M type of spanking is less natural and more problematic than any other, an observation I have made once or twice in the past to more brickbats in response than to anything I have ever written on any other topic. Perhaps F/M practitioners are more defensive by nature, or more likely they have misunderstood what I said. So let's see if this time I can explain exactly why this type of situation is as "problematic" as I have claimed.
First, it should be stressed that my "objection" (if that's the word) to F/M is psychological rather than moral: as I explained back in Chapter 4, male Subs and Switches result from the severe psychological damage that can be done when a young boy is spanked by a grown woman; it would be healthier (although not of course actually healthy) for the boy to spank the woman, for this at least would set the boy on the path to male sexual dominance. (And if that last observation makes anyone uncomfortable, take it as a sign that you shouldn't be spanking children, especially boys). The greatest damage from a F/M TE results more from the submissive position in which the boy is placed and not so much from the spanking itself. In other words, M/F spanking is much closer to normal behavior than F/M is.
A humorous take on the potential effects of a F/M TE, which the artist gets right according to our theory. Despite the adroit humor displayed here, we should not forget how serious these consequences can be.
Back in Chapter 4 we were concerned with the origin of male Subs and Switches, but here we must stress another angle: getting spanked is amost universally perceived as submissive behavior, even by those who are unfamiliar with any theory of spanking psychology, or for that matter who have never thought much about spanking at all. This means trouble, and big trouble, for men who desire to be spanked, because women want dominant men and not submissive ones. In truth, fate is extremely cruel here, for because of The Transformation of Sadism (see Chapter 4), this sort of "submission" is probably not true submission at all. But in sex appeal as in so much else, perception is everything, and most women will perceive a man getting spanked as submissive behavior which makes him much less desirable and in fact in many cases completely undesirable. Women have almost a sixth sense to detect male weakness, developed over millions of years of evolution, because weak men make poor mates (in the sense of risking both weak offspring and perhaps other problems, such as how much protection such a man will provide her and her children).
A real-life example would be the fairly well-known Nu-West model Margaret Morley back in the 1980's. Margaret was technically a switch and in fact would sub to both men and women, but once a man had subbed to her, she would never let him spank her again - in her eyes he was too diminished, too unworthy of submitting to. A non-spanking example would be the paraphilia of Transvestism: the transvestite need not be homosexual, but he's far less likely to favorably impress a woman wearing his best dress than his best suit.
Are there exceptions? Of course! There are even marriages between male and female Switches (although they are exceedingly rare). But while I would not say "the exception proves the rule" (a saying that is misunderstood, by the way), I would say that these exceptions are just that - outliers, women of a very unusual psychological make-up who can apparently "shift gears" so to speak, from "dominating" a man one minute to submitting to him the next. With most women - and this includes, interestingly, even most female Tops - a man risks damaging her confidence in him, hence their relationship, by asking her to spank him. Certainly if he asks and her distaste is apparent, he should take the hint and not bring up the subject again. Better to maintain a good relationship, which is a rare and valuable thing, then risk it for the sake of gratifying one's spanking desires.
And this is one of the reasons I advised such men earlier to seek out a pro dominatrix - get what you need, and then go home to your wife. No, I don't have any advice on how to pick out a pro domme who's good at spanking, but I have interviewed several for the purposes of research and documentation, and I have found them to be largely forthright persons. Talk to a few and you should be able to find someone suitable.
III. Resolving Internal Conflicts
Adult spanking can lead to both internal and external conflicts. The basic external conflict, between the Spanko and his uninterested partner, has already been covered. But there are purely internal conflicts as well, and these can be extremely painful and disturbing to an individual, so let's consider some of the possbilities now.
(1) The conflict between the desire for spanking and some other need, usually resistance to submitting (in the female). This resistance to sexual submission may be due to other personality factors, such as a strong and willful disposition, or to fear or embarrassment, or it may be caused by faulty ideas held in the conscious mind, in particular, the teachings of feminism. For women whose problem is a strong and willful disposition, the answer in theory is simple: get a man who is strong enough to administer the spanking over your objections. Since males are the stronger sex, it should be possible to find someone provided you're not one of those who has to struggle and be subdued physically. There are such women, but they should work to accept domination with having to be physically overpowered because there is a good chance of injury that way - especially to her. Being made to submit will be very beneficial for the woman who has trouble doing so - she will feel more relaxed and satisfied afterward. (Men who find this contradiction in women puzzling should remember: women want to submit, but at the same time they want to feel as though they have no choice but to submit).
If the problem is faulty ideas held in the conscious mind, then those ideas should be abandoned however difficult that may be. It is not enough to finally submit while still believing that there is something wrong with submission, for the conflict is still there and will still cause problems in the future. You must accept that men and women are psychologically different (it would be strange if they weren't given the physiological differences and slightly different mating goals) and that there is nothing wrong with your submissive desires. This last is supremely important: if you think there's something wrong with you, you'll never be happy. Sexual submission is a normal and healthy female desire. It does not make you less competent in your professional life and it does not make you less than a man - it makes you complementary to a man in the sexual sense.
Again, a good attempt at humor, but the conflict portrayed here between a woman's consciously-held ideology of feminism, which posits a kind of sexual interchangeability between male and female, and her innate need to submit to a man more powerful than herself is both painful and destructive.
Another version of the cartoon, colored by Todd (from American Spanking Society).
(2) The conflict between domination and submission in the Switch of either sex.
Conflicts in the Female Switch
As we mentioned above, even female Tops desire dominant men for the most part, and so of course female switches must also. I have not been able to determine how great an internal conflict this creates because I haven't been able to interview enough female Tops and Switches to determine how they handle the issue. The closest I can make out is that both prefer dominant men as lovers (the female Switch would presumably get along fine with a male Switch also) and follow the advice we gave above to those having difficulty finding a spanking parter: they spank outside the relationship. But as I say, my information is still a little sketchy at this point, and it is possible that some Switches suffer from the conflict between wanting to spank a man and wanting him to be dominant.
Conflicts in the Male Switch
The psychology is here is extremely complicated. As discussed in Chapter 4, the F/M TE would be expected to create a conflict in the young boy between wanting to re-create the TE as it was and wanting to re-create it with the roles reversed and himself in the dominant role. It is my opinion that the Transformation of Sadism (TS) is one way the mind resolves the conflict, by having the boy play both dominant and submissive roles simultaneously at some times (as a "Sub") while remaining fully dominant (the normal male condition) as a Top at others. (If the conflict is resolved in re-creating the TE with the original F/M orientation, we have a male Sub and not a Switch, while if it is resolved by re-creating the TE with a reversed M/F orientation we have a male Top and not a Switch - but note that the conflict is resolved in all three cases). In the internal sense, the conflict has already been resolved and is no longer an issue, but of course external problems may remain as discussed earlier.
We might suggest then that the difference between male and female Switches is that in the female the conflict remains internal, to what degree possibly depending on which kind of Switch she is (Natural Top/Learned Sub, Learned Top/Natural Sub, or Learned Top/Learned Sub), while in the male the internal conflict was resolved during adolescence resulting in a Natural Top, Natural "Sub", or Natural Switch.
IV. Spanking and Child Rearing
Spanking as a method of disciplining the young has persisted over the centuries for one very good reason: it works! The child's behavior is modified when a good spanking is administered, which is one of the objects of punishment. Still, most spankos do not believe in spanking children. This is interesting, considering that our TE theory (or any other theory that links adult spankos to spankings received as a child) is probably embraced by only a minority of spankos, most believing that "they were born that way," an opposing theory which we showed to be inadequate back in Chapter 2. But one implication of TE theory which is so obvious we almost didn't bring it up here is that the spankos' insticts are right: it's not a good idea to spank children because of the risk of causing a TE that will result in the child becoming an adult spanko.
Note that TE theory does not guarantee that every spanked child will become a spanko; whether a spanking actually functions as a TE depends on many things, perhaps most importantly personality factors in the child that control how new experiences become integrated into the child's total body of knowledge. We have mentioned several times the ambiguity of spanking, and we cannot know in advance how the child will interpret being spanked. The fact that spanking does not harm all children certainly lulls some parents into a false sense of security: how many times have we heard a parent say something like, "I got spanked when I was a kid and I turned out all right, so my kids are getting it, too." But the fact is that giving a child his first spanking is like playing Russian Roulette with his future sexual personality; if you spank, realize you take the chance of creating a spanko.
Someone might draw the logical conclusion from TE Theory that spanking older children is less dangerous psychologically than spanking young ones, and in theory I suppose it's true. The primary TE is believed to occur very early in life, and probably even secondary TE's are uncommon after the age of 12 or 13. Yet starting to spank a child at 13 or 14, for instance, would certainly seem odd to both the child and to any outside observers, so it cannot be recommended even though it might do some good in the more stubborn cases.
